When all Hell broke loose... (part 1)

It was hard keeping a straight face when I was all eaten up inside.
It was a terrible truth to conceal and a hard one to keep.

I remember going for Miss Saigon with Mum a few days after 911 . Truthfuly, it was my last happy memory of our mother-daughter relationship for a long long time. Even today, I wish we could go back to those times. There was something special about that short period of time for me.

You see, my mum and I were never really close. I was always Daddy's little girl and
my mother played the bad cop. But I did not hold that against her. In fact, I was always
thankful coz I guess I could've ended up worse without the disciplining.

I always longed for a friend-like relationship with her but we never had it. Interestingly, we were "fated" to clash in both Chinese and Western horoscope. But it was during that time, after UK studies and during my days in Poly that we become less distant and more close.

Then I went and spoiled it all. We are ok still but it is back to the authoratative voice for her. I miss the sort-of friend-like mum I had for a bit.

Anyway, after Miss Saigon, Dad joined us for supper and that was the last happy family time we had as 3 people. Really. That was the last day that I was my parent's baby... in days to come, I became the thorn in the flesh, the one that was going to be a mum and my baby became their new baby well grandkid lol.

I digress.

Like I said, I was Daddy's girl and so I could not keep the truth from him for long.

Before I dropped the bomb on him, I tried to soften its blow by feeding him stories about people I knew who had abortions and we discussed how wrong it was and how horrible.

So when I told him to come into my room one day when Mum was cooking to tell him the truth, Dad sorta guessed something bad was going to happen.

He did not react with anger as I expected him to.

Dad reacted with a disappointment so deep it still cuts me till today.

There were tears in his eyes and his voice was choked up with emotion as he asked me that very deep yet simple question- Why?

I had no answers but that I was sorry.

We both decided not to let my mother know till we could figure some "tactic" to not trigger a nuclear explosion.

But that evening... Dad's face... what he said... remains the deepest cut in my heart... the saddest memory because I as a daughter had dealt him the worse hurt... I had betrayed his trust in me and had driven a nail into his heart.

Sorry Dad. Even 3 years plus plus plus later, I still want to tell you that.

(To be cont'd)