911 - the day I found out I was pregnant (Part 4 of 5)

That night, I went home to find my mother watching the telly. It was showing what seemed like a scene of war or some disaster.

"Where's that?"

My mum looked at me with eyes wide open and said, "America. Terrorist attack."

I was shocked.

For a moment, I forgot my own burden as I watched the horrific scene on TV.

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I went back into my bedroom and called my best guy buddy, El, about the day's discovery.
He was someone very close to me as we had been friends for about 7 years odd then & I'd call him when I was in UK to confide in him when my chips were down or when I was homesick.

Altho' we were on the phone, I think his jaw dropped to the floor when I told him.

(Years later, I ask him what it was like and he said that it was some kind of strange timing of the Ally Mcbeal sort. He had just switched to the news on the telly when I told him I was pregnant and at the same time, he saw the plane crash into the World Trade Centre. To this day, he can't figure out which had left him slack jawed with shock... the news or THE NEWS.)

He told me to think carefully about the next step and I told him what seemed to be my mantra... I had no choice.

I was also went online to find out if my best friend in Secondary School was ok. She was studying in the States and I just wanted to be sure.

She was ok until I told her my news. We had debated against abortion once in a class debate and so had done enough research to know what it entails for both the mum and the foetus. We are also Catholics and Gen is a very prayerful and faith-filled person, so she was both worried and scared for me. She felt that I did not want to abort and was still not calm enough to rationalise and make the right decision. Before we parted online, she pleaded with me.

"Girl, call my mum. Promise me you will call her ok?"

I said ok but in my heart I was dreading to do so.

What if she told my mother?

Was getting an adult involved a good idea?

I did not know Gen's mother and had not met her. I guess Gen was my best friend then but I know I wasn't hers... and I had never gone to her house... never been there like the cool girls from our class. I was some sort of outcast in school but Gen was always there. And she wrote me letters in UK and vice versa. She was and still is dear to me. I am inwardly shy altho' outwardly I seem like a friendly, outgoing sort.

I slept little that night and wrote a long long letter to my unborn child. I was apologising.

Dear Baby, I am sorry Mummy has to do this. I have no choice. I love you very much but there is nothing I can do. I am sorry about the pain and suffering you have to go through even though it isn't your fault. But you will go to Jesus and he will sooth away the sadness and all the horrible things you have to go through. I am so sorry. I want to be your mummy and I want to love you but it is not the right time yet... I cannot help it. I love you so much and I will see you someday in Heaven and I hope you will forgive me then. I love you. I love you but no one will understand or accept you here. I love you but there is nothing I can do. Nothing.

Already, it was as if the scars were forming even before I went through with my decision to abort. It felt horrible and I was depressed.

I did not call Gen's mum and frantic, her Mum, who had been forewarned by Gen to expect my call, contacted Gen and bade her tell her who needed help and also give her my number.

So I was getting ready to go out when my handphone rang. It was Gen's Mum- Aunty Viv.

She offered to give me a ride to KKH and I accepted it.

I could see where Gen's loving and compassionate ways came from. Her mother was like an angel. She was warm, motherly and very worried about me. I knew that she was God sent.

In the car, Aunty Viv was assuring me and asking me to think about it first. We parked at Novena church and she tried to change my mind.

"Do you want to trade 9 months of suffering for a lifetime of pain?"

Aunty Viv felt that if I just bravely faced the nine months of pregnancy, things would get better when the baby arrived. She told me that people's heart will soften by then and that parents love their children even in their anger. She told me that there were other paths to take if I could not parent my child myself. There were couples who were barren who would love him/her and there were people who would adopt. At least, taking those paths would ensure that my child would be able to live...

I was stubborn, I was beside myself with tears and I stood my ground that I had no choice. I told her my parents would kill me. I just repeated my mantra over and over again. I guess, looking back, when you do so much repeating of a phrase you begin to believe it even though it was against one's true feeling/thought.
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We arrived at KKH and there was so much waiting to be done.

I remember looking around the room at all the other couples and mum2bs with their mums.

How happy they looked. It was a child that would be accepted for them and anticipated by them.

Some were talking animatedly to their other halves who were hugging them close- my ex had gone for classes that day. He had a test to take and he did not want to skip it. He could not. I felt empty.

Some were talking to their mothers who looked kindly and lovingly at their daughters & dispensing advice- my mother was still blissfully unaware. If she knew, she'd kill me. I know her.

I looked at Aunty Viv who held my hand in hers. She had insisted coming along. She told me she respected my decision as it was mine to make but that she felt no person should have to go through such an ordeal alone. So she wanted to be there for me.

I was thankful. Her support and her love even though I was a stranger touched me.

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(to be continued)