911- the day I found out I was pregnant ( Part 5 of 5)
When it was my turn, I went in and more tests were done to decide if I was pregnant and how pregnant I was. The doctor was chirpy until he opened my case file to see I was there because I was thinking of aborting.
During the long waiting periods before each test (blood test, urine test, ultrasound), Aunty Viv was there to help me tide through. She was still asking me to think about it as gently as she could and was always ready with a smile and a hug or a squeeze of the hand.
I knew deep within that I wish I was not aborting but I still felt I had to for everyone else's sake. For my family's "face" and not to break Dad or Mum's heart. I kept praying in my heart for God to forgive me for what I was going to do. I was confused.
The monotony of the day and my thoughts did not prepare me for the shock to come. Aunty Viv followed me into the room and the doctor revealed to us something that totally put us in a different perspective altogether.
"We cannot detect the foetal heart beat although the tests have shown she is indeed expecting. This might be very dangerous as it could mean that she is having an etopic pregnancy. This means that the baby is developing in the fallopian tubes instead of the womb. If that is the case, we need to operate on her immediately and she must abort the foetus because it can be fatal for her. "
What a twist of fate.
The doctor told me to go grab lunch and come back for further tests to determine if I was having an etopic pregnancy.
Aunty Viv hugged me tight. I was still surprised.
From wanting to abort although I knew I shouldn't , suddenly it might be that I must abort even if I decide I didn't want to.
From playing God and deciding to terminate the foetus's life to save my ass, suddenly God was telling me "How would you like it if I too decide on whether I can terminate your life?"
Suddenly I was in the shoes of my foetus.
Irony.
We had lunch and Aunty Viv told me it would be a strange blessing if I had to operate and that it would not be my fault if I had to. But she was also worried about how serious the condition would be.
After lunch, we went to Novena to pray.
And it was a strange prayer for me as I told God it was in His hands and that I knew that I would do what I have to do.
I had taken a big U turn and I knew that if it was Etopic, I would abort but if it wasn't I would keep my child.
When we went back to the hospital, I was a ball of nerves.
I did a different kind of ultrasound this time. Instead of sweeping the device on my tummy, it was inserted inside me. It was strange and sometimes painful as they probed around looking for the elusive foetus.
And then, there he was on the screen... a tiny pin head bump on the wall of my womb.
No wonder they had not detected the heartbeat!
At that moment, I had fallen in love with my child.
Inside me, I heard myself tell me...This is my child and I love her or him... I am his or her mummy and nothing can change it. I know what I want.
Another doctor congratulated me when I returned to the room, then did a double take when he saw my case file. I was so amused but I told him that I had made up my mind to keep my baby and he looked so happy... absolutely bursting with joy.
My ex had rushed down to the hospital and I told him my decision. He seemed afraid but said he'd go with my decision.
Aunty Viv drove us all up to the Botanical Gardens where we firmly decided that we'd keep the child and not give the child away for adoption. We felt that when the child finds out that his foster parents were not his biological ones, he would always be a lost child trying to find his real parents.
There had been an article about a man who had spent years finding his natural parents to no avail and how he needed to know why they gave him away and who they were. I did not want my child to go on that elusive search.
I wanted him/her to know that I am his/her mummy. Always there to hold him/her and to love him/her.
My ex agreed on my course of action.
Aunty Viv suggested we wait till later to tell both our parents as we needed to figure out when and how to tell them and what to say.
We were up for some tough times ahead.
During the long waiting periods before each test (blood test, urine test, ultrasound), Aunty Viv was there to help me tide through. She was still asking me to think about it as gently as she could and was always ready with a smile and a hug or a squeeze of the hand.
I knew deep within that I wish I was not aborting but I still felt I had to for everyone else's sake. For my family's "face" and not to break Dad or Mum's heart. I kept praying in my heart for God to forgive me for what I was going to do. I was confused.
The monotony of the day and my thoughts did not prepare me for the shock to come. Aunty Viv followed me into the room and the doctor revealed to us something that totally put us in a different perspective altogether.
"We cannot detect the foetal heart beat although the tests have shown she is indeed expecting. This might be very dangerous as it could mean that she is having an etopic pregnancy. This means that the baby is developing in the fallopian tubes instead of the womb. If that is the case, we need to operate on her immediately and she must abort the foetus because it can be fatal for her. "
What a twist of fate.
The doctor told me to go grab lunch and come back for further tests to determine if I was having an etopic pregnancy.
Aunty Viv hugged me tight. I was still surprised.
From wanting to abort although I knew I shouldn't , suddenly it might be that I must abort even if I decide I didn't want to.
From playing God and deciding to terminate the foetus's life to save my ass, suddenly God was telling me "How would you like it if I too decide on whether I can terminate your life?"
Suddenly I was in the shoes of my foetus.
Irony.
We had lunch and Aunty Viv told me it would be a strange blessing if I had to operate and that it would not be my fault if I had to. But she was also worried about how serious the condition would be.
After lunch, we went to Novena to pray.
And it was a strange prayer for me as I told God it was in His hands and that I knew that I would do what I have to do.
I had taken a big U turn and I knew that if it was Etopic, I would abort but if it wasn't I would keep my child.
When we went back to the hospital, I was a ball of nerves.
I did a different kind of ultrasound this time. Instead of sweeping the device on my tummy, it was inserted inside me. It was strange and sometimes painful as they probed around looking for the elusive foetus.
And then, there he was on the screen... a tiny pin head bump on the wall of my womb.
No wonder they had not detected the heartbeat!
At that moment, I had fallen in love with my child.
Inside me, I heard myself tell me...This is my child and I love her or him... I am his or her mummy and nothing can change it. I know what I want.
Another doctor congratulated me when I returned to the room, then did a double take when he saw my case file. I was so amused but I told him that I had made up my mind to keep my baby and he looked so happy... absolutely bursting with joy.
My ex had rushed down to the hospital and I told him my decision. He seemed afraid but said he'd go with my decision.
Aunty Viv drove us all up to the Botanical Gardens where we firmly decided that we'd keep the child and not give the child away for adoption. We felt that when the child finds out that his foster parents were not his biological ones, he would always be a lost child trying to find his real parents.
There had been an article about a man who had spent years finding his natural parents to no avail and how he needed to know why they gave him away and who they were. I did not want my child to go on that elusive search.
I wanted him/her to know that I am his/her mummy. Always there to hold him/her and to love him/her.
My ex agreed on my course of action.
Aunty Viv suggested we wait till later to tell both our parents as we needed to figure out when and how to tell them and what to say.
We were up for some tough times ahead.
posted by As The Deer | 9/14/2005 03:06:00 PM
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